“The first song I ever learned was Metallica’s, ‘Nothing Else Happens’.”
Some Random Dumb-dumb
all the chords are open.”
Some Random Dumb-dumb
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
People always ask me out for coffee. How come nobody ever asks me out for sex?
Girl: Do you know any good movies?
Boy: Snakes on a plane
Girl: Whats it about?
Boy: It’s about Horses.. on a boat.
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody’s there.
I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !
Blowfessor
There was a professor who taught a course called Sexual Ethics, and the only way to pass the course was to blow him!
I was going to ask a girl if her nails were acrylic, but I misspoke and said, “Are those saline?”
Accidentally texting, “I want to kiss your pussy.” to your boss is pretty hard to recover from.
She said, “You’ll hate me tomorrow.”
I said, “I already do.”
I have to smuggle my dick back into my pants using your vagina.
“the lesbian community…”. They have a whole community?!!! Where?
She asked me if I wanted to go shoe shopping with her All day. I said, “I’d rather chase my dick around the room until my legs got tired.”
God: She is Black.
You cannot hurt me.
I wasn’t sewn
From delicate cloth.
But you could
Jerk me,
You know…
Completely off…
“If Today’s Date were trying to figure out the Fibonacci Sequence, than it fucked up!”
-me 11/2/19
George Carlin on Baseball and Football
this
Side affects include trouble passing urine? I got no trouble passing urine. When I see it, I keep on walking by.
“Where in Russia are you from?”
“How do you know I’m from Russia?”
“Is it customary in your country to answer a question with a question?”
Baseball players should never look serious. They should be constantly pointing and laughing at everybody.
Looking at her face, I thought, “Some people got too much junk going on.”
If my peace beads were strung with steel wire, they would be better to strangle someone with.
Takin’ a shit and takin’ a nap are good things. If you do them both at the same time, it’s only good if you’re in the right place.
I never knew what a courtesy flush was before I met you.
