I was saving this video on my phone:
This picture is in my phone:
When I tried to close my Photo App, my phone went schizophrenic and did this:
Early Man’s Brain Wiring
Tail Lights
Category: Humor
Spidey vs. Spidey
This is what happens when AutoCorrect interferes the split-second before you hit, “ENTER“, when your instructions are:
“Draw a picture of a Mad Magazine’s “Spy vs. Spy” cartoon with the two spies sharing an engineers compass.”:
-Spidey Tight.
enopI
“Ok, Let’s Do It The Hardest Way Possible, Because I Don’t Have To Do It; And That’s The Easiest Way Possible For Me!”
Dirt Rocket
Click PLAY to laugh.
Different Foot Same Shoe
If, “The shoe is on the other foot,” than nothing has changed; because you started off one foot, shoe-less, and you end-up with the other foot, shoe-less!
Chip Van Hassel
Infinite Lives
Contra Affair
UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START
This Day.
The Life Of A Man.
Picked up my check, Leave work.
The Life Of A Man.
Stop at gas station.
Battery Dead.
Don’t have enough cash for a new battery.
Battery is $121.00.
I have $42.00 on one debit card.
$72.50 on my other debit card.
Hmmm,… …
Paycheck = $260.00
Get a Jumpstart.
I payed a gas station $20.00 to cash my check, because I had a whopping 114.00 available funds.
-(Step number, “Fuck!”) Take battery out.
Purchase new fucker.
Install new fucker.
As I am installing the thing that holds it down-
(You know the long bolt with a U on the end),
I think, “Maybe, I should put the key in and see if it works before I tighten this down.”
I had faith. Crank it!
Put key in ignition.
NOTHING.
Repeat step number, Fuck!
Bring Dead New Battery back in.
Get another one.
I suggested counter-testing it.
DEAD.
Third battery was a charm.
Being a man is fun.
The World Today
How am I supposed to act?
You’re not allowed to Act normal, but don’t be weird; …. Okay?
You’re not allowed to
Act normal,
but don’t be weird;
…. Okay?
Walmart: April 20, 2015
“Can you watch my cart while I go to the bathroom?”
I’m standing on line at Walmart, and some woman comes up behind me aggressively and stops short with her shopping cart, astonished to see me standing on line, stands there for an impatient minute, then walks away from her cart to look at something on a shelf. I look in her cart, and all she had in it were about 46 boxes of Zantac!!’ She comes back and flips open her phone and says shit in some chaotic language (I have no idea what it is,) then walks away again. She comes back and paces, then acts like she’s going to squeeze by me, but stops and asks me, “Can you watch my cart while I go to the bathroom?”
I looked down at the cart, then back at her and said, “No, I cannot. I’m sorry.”
Mucho Zantac
Quote of the era
“I have to take a Republican and then wipe my Democrat!“
The Alphabet Song
🎶Now I know my
🎵🎵ABCDEF D’s
Next time will you drink with me?🎶
🤣🤣🤣I love how she is gesturing with her hands! 🤣🤣🤣
Watch the video below!
I love how she is gesturing with her hands! 🤣🤣🤣
🎶Now I know my “ABCDEFDARJKIMNOP…QR x ,sss…IMNOP’s”.
Next time won’t you sing with me? 🎶
With her hands, she’s saying, “This is how the song goes, how. You got it?!”
A B C D E🫴D🫴A R J K i 🫴MNOP…
Not Acting Like An Idiot
Wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it is not him acting like an idiot; because he’s not acting at all.
This man, wearing this jacket is just like an actor, wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it. What functions Robert Ee Niro carried out in his life to dignify him wearing that seal? It is comparable to someone wearing a fake badge or pretending to be something that they are not!
To which industry and in what realm has Robert De Niro dedicated his efforts and time to suggest that he has any direct affiliated with the Oval Office?
When he played mobster roles, we respected him and viewed him as a hard, strong-willed, level-minded tough, scary bad ass!
When we see him speak on television, today, we laugh at him and view him as a weak-willed, mentally imbalanced, frail, pitifully, adolescently humorous hack!
You could come to the conclusion that Robert De Niro appearing publicly wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it would be foolish, and acting like an idiot,… But… 
No, This guy is not acting!
Woman-Speak
Woman asks her husband, “How many races are there today?”
…
He checks and says, “Ten.”
And she asks, “Total?”
Take that one; and run with it!
Ho Ho
Bill Burr’s Take on Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Why does such a little man need such a big desk?”
Discernment
Never trust a cop wearing a raincoat!”
Carly Colt
Look at that Dude’s Hat!
Are you joking, using those clothes?!?
Hey, the Village people called;
Japhy
they want one of their get-ups back!
Fish Brain
I just heard a guy say, “I palmed the…” and my brain went:
Tuna.
My Brain
Rude But Funny
TrainFace
This was a Rude, but Funny thought:
“You look like the train came and said this:
Japhy
“This is what your face is going to look like!”
Snake Charmer
Don’t forget about this one!
Tha Finga’!
“There is but a finger’s difference between a wise man and a fool. If a man raises his first finger and speaks, people think him wise. If he lifts his middle finger, they think him mad.”
Diogenes
He Said That
“The first song I ever learned was Metallica’s, ‘Nothing Else Happens’. all the chords are open.”
Some Random Dumb-dumb
Numbers:
The Spanish of Science
He Said What?
Stop saying that,… all of you!
Really?
How To Do The Dishes
Wash and Dry
Hard Hats
Hard Hats:
The Engineers’ way to pretend they actually build stuff.
Chip Van Hassel
No Drink Carrier
“Ah, c’mon, you don’t have an inner server in you?”
Random Waitress
Conversation Piece
Paid $2.00 for this:
It’s funny, because I bought it thinking I’d learn what it is and have a use for it;
But now that I know what it is, I definitely know I never had a use for it in the first place!
What We Do-do
Everybody Poops.
Your Colon
Good Question
What the fuck even was that?
Me
What See You?
In Honor of Willie Loman:
The new, “Whistling in the elevator,” is whispering to songs that are playing over the juke box at the bar.
“Look at me; Look at me!!!”
Stop Fucking Whistling! What see you, a fucking bird?!
If Dreams Came True
She just said, “My dream just came true!”
Japhy
That is scary; because, if my dream ever came true, I’d have to ,… *build a go-cart with my ex-landlord!
Mitch *Hedberg
Stupid Shirt
This guy is wearing a Natural Lite shirt. Why is he doing that?
Japhy
What Is She?
She is a sex Sasquatch.
Japhy
Peanut Butter
This is the second time I have heard the term, “peanut butter,” within the last ten hours!
Me
Things My Brain Heard, but Nobody Ever Said:
“I got to poke the bear while I’m wet.”
Cat Dragging
Wow!
…
It looks like
Life really teaches your face!
From Where?
Well, that was a clusterfuck from your mother’s Hell.
So
I see that it is going to be a problem with these monkeys which I am surrounded by!
Their misplaced anger,
Their Triggered-Disposition,
Retains zero accountability.
Angry, little children,
Picking a fight
With every taunting, blabbering
Noise which primitively
Vomits from their
Culture-neglected mouths.
Donkey Punch!
Democrats are donkey-punching the nation!
Chip
Your Words
What you just said, …
Chip
People do the opposite of giving a shit about it!
Dunk!
I went to do a courtesy flush, and the water rose up and dunked my balls!
Japhy
Dunk!
Dakkuan
“I went to do a courtesy flush, and the water rose up and dunked my balls!”
Pond Funny
“Turtles have Tales.
Chip Van Hassel
That Kills Me!”
Wait, … WHAT?!?
Non-Birth Control
“Works every time.”
“The Most Effective
Demetri Martin
Form of
Birth Control
Is
Correcting Somebody’s Grammar.”
The Dildo-ie
I wanna get one of those floppy dildoes and bonk you in the face with it while taking your picture!
Dakkuan
A “Dildoe-ie”!
Outtake
“…Are they ready?”
Good Ol’ Gunny
Airplane Points!
On a train, a kid asks his mom, “what are points?”
She explains,
“The more times you ride the train, you get points,
and you can get stuff with them.”
“An airplane?” he asked.
I wanted to say,
My Travels
“yea,
you can get a fucking airplane with them, kid!”
George Carlin on Baseball and Football
The Anarchism of Rugby
What the Hell are the Rules of Rugby? … Is there one?
Chip Van Hassel
For Men
Reminder for Mental Self control:
Remember, Gentlemen,
The Humbler
Whenever you are captivated by a woman’s beauty,
She Poops, too; and it thinks like shit!
Frosty- the Flasher
“Down to the village
With his D… in his hand.
Running here and there
All around the square
Saying, “Catch me if you can!”
Harold Of The Rock
“Harold, he’s a friendly guy; he rambles on-and-on; he’ll talk the balls off a rhino-saurus!”.
Primus Sucks.
Disobeying the 10th Commandment
“The only thing I’ve ever coveted before is Michelin Tires.”
Doug Kindred
Unaware of Sin
“You could go driving around town in a new Lincoln,…”
Chaplain Bob Joked
The Great Task Remaining Before Us
Ridding thine self of arrogance is the most valiant task of all.
Dakkuan
Bill Burr’s Cake Analogy On Abortion
“Not Yet!,,,”
Tense situation Mike Tyson and Sadhguru
“Many times, bullshit gets you to the top, but it never lets you stay there.” -Sadhguru
It’s Not Racist If It’s Funny!
What’s This For?
“You put your weed in there.”
It’s Important Who’s NOT Driving!
“Too Important!”
Walsh breaks down gender idealology
A Great Reset Will Happen…With Guest Eckhart Tolle
Trump Back on Twitter?
Tweet:
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if Trump is coming back on this platform, Twitter would be minting money!
1:10 PM · Oct 31, 2022·Twitter for iPhone
Steven Crowder Kicked Off from YouTube.
Big Tech is continuing to try and censor us, but the truth is they’re deathly afraid of us. We break down why they kicked us out. We also go into the Paul Pelosi story and it’s fishy. Also, Trevor Noah sucks & Kari Lake joins us for an EXCLUSIVE interview. #KariLake #PaulPelosi #BigTech
WHY YOUTUBE KICKED US OFF! &
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KARI LAKE! Louder with Crowder
Woke TikToks That Will Give You Brain Damage
“This chick just looks like me at sixteen!”
Louder With Crowder Corner
“It’s not racism.”
“… other people can judge you based on your qualifications and judge you based on your performance; that’s okay to do.”
Steven Crowder
“It’s a way to shutdown dialog based on identity before you get to ideas.”
Steven Crowder
Check Out Louder With Crowder’s Show Daily HERE.
“Ever… Seen A Grown Man Naked?”
Louder with Crowder: ELON MUSK VISITS TWITTER HQ & LIBS GO INTO FULL MELTDOWN
Published October 27, 2022 by:
God: She Is Black
It has nothing to do with macaroni and cheese.
“If my grandmother had wheels, she would’ve been a bike!”
“ What the hell? It doesn’t make any sense what you said! “
Gino D’Acampo
TUESDAY?
Wherever there is a Sea, there is a You and Tee!
Press Play:
Small Town
“I live in a small town and…”
Press Play:
Glory Publications
Date Recorded: October, 2022:
Publication Date: 10/9/2022
Typical Trainer
Purchases Equipment one day;
Bitches that you are using it the next day!
Dakkuan
Teenage Summertime Announcement:
“I gotta go home and wash my balls.”
Keith Ruthe
To Listen to some Underground Music, click, “continue reading”.
Continue reading “Teenage Summertime Announcement:”Options
“Hey, would you rather grab a rake and,… … Use it?”
Sadie Jenkins
Priceless
“I’m being Detained.”
John Danner
Population Control
“The reason I don’t have children is because everybody has them.”
Rusty Shaw
Spaghetti
Noodles are made to get wet.
Me
Dumb of the Month
This stupid idiot just said,
“Youth is wasted on the young!”
This Stupid Idiot
Bug Eyes
This woman is a fucking cartoon!
No space for time
Push Your Limits!
“If you’re not living on the edge, your taking up too much room.”
T. Rinrud
Ribbons
I saw a girl wearing a red ribbon holding her ponytail, and I said, “Be careful; that bitch kicks!”
A Day With Diogenes
by: Terry Ballard
Announcer: Good afternoon, Diogenes. In keeping with your
reputation as a non-conformist, I see that you keep your bathtub
outside of your house.
Diogenes: The bathtub is my house.
Announcer: I see. Well there must be some advantage to that.
Diogenes: Certainly. No window can give a view like this, and if
the neighborhood goes bad, I can just walk off with the house.
From the Glass House
When Diogenes noticed a prostitute’s son throwing rocks at a crowd, Diogenes said to him,
“Careful, son; don’t hit your father.”
Operative Onlooker
Take More Shots
Hey, Easy Rider Magazine’s photo department called. They want their b-roll back.
Chip
Now. This:
“The Power of the Babe”
Waitresses’ Mantra
“Fuck Everybody; Yay, Me!”
Cheryl
What to Buy
“… I’m not gonna get a bong; I’m gonna get a gun.”
Greg
Faith, Hope and,… Stupidity
Anxiety Relief
The Train conductor just told me, “You should start smoking pot!”
So Petty
Monkey Dung Flung
Random, childish poem of a thought sent out.
Monkey nuts slappin’ against a stranger’s face
makes a sweaty forehead sound loud.
Continue reading “Monkey Dung Flung”Straw Hat
Tom Segura on Steven Seagal
Black Lives Matter Owned!
Face Junk
Looking at her face, I thought, “Some people got too much junk going on!”
Me
Millionaires Who Can’t Get Wet
Baseball players should never look serious. They should be constantly pointing and laughing at everybody.
Woman Ears
He asked me, “If you were walking in the forest with a woman and a tree fell, would she hear it?”
Selective Hearing
I said, “Probably not, because she wasn’t listening.”
Shoe Shopping?
She asked me if I wanted to go shoe shopping with her all day.
I said, “I’d rather chase my dick around the room until my legs got tired!”
Point and Laugh
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Yea. But don’t take it personally.”
Professor Gulp!
There was a professor who taught a course called, “Sexual Ethics,” and the only way to pass the course was to blow him!
Tonsil Time
“I want your tonsils to be…”
Bevis Speaks
Peek- A- Boo!!!
Sandwich and a Banana
“Everybody wants a Revolution, but nobody wants to pack a lunch.”
Christopher Titus
Gomer
If you are 42 years-old, and you still use a Gomer;
Than, you have fucked Up!
Turtles, Turtles, Turtles!
“William James, father of American psychology,
tells of meeting an old lady
who told him
the Earth rested on the back of a huge turtle.
“But, my dear lady,” Professor James asked, as politely as possible, “what holds up the turtle?”
“Ah,” she said, “that’s easy. He is standing on the back of another turtle.”
“Oh, I see,” said Professor James, still being polite. “But would you be so good as to tell me what holds up the second turtle?”
“It’s no use, Professor,” said the old lady, realizing he was trying to lead her into a logical trap. “It’s turtles-turtles-turtles, all the way!“
PROMETHEUS
RISING
–Robert Anton Wilson
Humor
“The first song I ever learned was Metallica’s, ‘Nothing Else Happens’.”
Some Random Dumb-dumb
all the chords are open.”
Some Random Dumb-dumb
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
People always ask me out for coffee. How come nobody ever asks me out for sex?
Girl: Do you know any good movies?
Boy: Snakes on a plane
Girl: Whats it about?
Boy: It’s about Horses.. on a boat.
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody’s there.
I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !
Blowfessor
There was a professor who taught a course called Sexual Ethics, and the only way to pass the course was to blow him!
I was going to ask a girl if her nails were acrylic, but I misspoke and said, “Are those saline?”
Accidentally texting, “I want to kiss your pussy.” to your boss is pretty hard to recover from.
She said, “You’ll hate me tomorrow.”
I said, “I already do.”
I have to smuggle my dick back into my pants using your vagina.
“the lesbian community…”. They have a whole community?!!! Where?
She asked me if I wanted to go shoe shopping with her All day. I said, “I’d rather chase my dick around the room until my legs got tired.”
God: She is Black.
You cannot hurt me.
I wasn’t sewn
From delicate cloth.
But you could
Jerk me,
You know…
Completely off…
“If Today’s Date were trying to figure out the Fibonacci Sequence, than it fucked up!”
-me 11/2/19
George Carlin on Baseball and Football
this
Side affects include trouble passing urine? I got no trouble passing urine. When I see it, I keep on walking by.
“Where in Russia are you from?”
“How do you know I’m from Russia?”
“Is it customary in your country to answer a question with a question?”
Baseball players should never look serious. They should be constantly pointing and laughing at everybody.
Looking at her face, I thought, “Some people got too much junk going on.”
If my peace beads were strung with steel wire, they would be better to strangle someone with.
Takin’ a shit and takin’ a nap are good things. If you do them both at the same time, it’s only good if you’re in the right place.
I never knew what a courtesy flush was before I met you.
Numbers:
The Spanish of Science
Exploding Whale
In conclusion, I really don’t think they’ll, “know what to do,” next time…
Read an article about the 50 year anniversary of this sloppy event!
Older than Google
Wu Tang Forever
But Her
HUMOR AND TRUTH
God: She is Black.
Trump and Pope get Lovie-Dovie
Straw Hat
Interview With A Sniper
“Bad-Man Butch”
Matt Hufford was the most FEARED name by All the residents of Louisiana!
He left their Kneecaps shivering!
Listen Here:
“… I punched that bitch in the face and fucked her up the ass three times!…”
Press Play:
Glory Publications
Date Recorded: circa. 1991 at:
Publication Date: 10/9/2022
33 Arch Street in High Bridge, NJ 08829 by Lonesome Glory Publications [PHONE] (908) 638-8117
Bong Sock Invented
“…Richie reached behind his bedpost to pull his bong out and noticed that a sock had been stuffed in the mouthpiece! …”
Today, the Bong Sock was invented
by Anita Fritzinger on 1 Center Street in High Bridge, New Jersey. (Coordinates: 40.66943° N, 74.89492° W).
The invention was a convenient byproduct of Anita’s dismay over the over-powering aroma of Bong Water in her son, Richie’s bedroom. Richie and his friend, me, walked into the room and noticed how fresh it smelled in his bedroom that day. His mom had always did his laundry and cleaned his room, but this day he as fresher, … different! Richie reached behind his bedpost to pull his bong out and noticed that a sock had been stuffed in the mouthpiece!
The Bong Sock hath been invented!
Thirty-one years later, Chip shall recall:
I’ll never forget the day we walked into Little Richie’s room the first time his mom put a sock in his bong.
HBMS
It smelled so fresh in his room that day!
His mom invented the Bong Sock!
CIRCA 1995 A.D. C.E.