by: Terry Ballard
Announcer: Good afternoon, Diogenes. In keeping with your
reputation as a non-conformist, I see that you keep your bathtub
outside of your house.
Diogenes: The bathtub is my house.
Announcer: I see. Well there must be some advantage to that.
Diogenes: Certainly. No window can give a view like this, and if
the neighborhood goes bad, I can just walk off with the house.
Announcer: Have you always lived in a tub?
Diogenes: No, when I was small, I lived in a house like everybody
else. In fact, my father was a well-to-do banker…except at the
end.
Announcer: What brought him down – bad economic conditions?
Diogenes: No, he made me his assistant. While serving in that
capacity, I deliberately debased the coinage. But it wasn’t really
my fault. The gods told me to do it. I went to the oracle at Delphi
and asked.
Announcer: The oracle told you to debase the coins?
Diogenes: Not exactly. I asked if I should do that which would make
my reputation grow. Since they were gods, they must have known what
I meant. Afterwards, I left my native Sinope and visited Greece.
Announcer: What you mean is that they sentenced you to a life of
exile.
Diogenes: If you like. I prefer to think that I sentenced them to
a life of staying at home. Once I arrived in Athens, I began my
career as a philosopher.
Announcer: That job doesn’t pay much. How did you eat?
Diogenes: I got a moonlighting job – begging. I went to every
statue in town and asked for money.
Announcer: Why statues?
Diogenes: It got me used to being refused. After a time, I tried my
technique on people. I told each customer that if he had given to
other beggars, then he should give to me as well. If not, he should
start with me.
Announcer: How did it go?
Diogenes: I lost 30 pounds and gained a philosophy.
Announcer: Why is it that people will give alms to the blind and
crippled, but not a philosopher?
Diogenes: People know that one day they could be blind or crippled,
but they never dream they will take up a philosophy.
Announcer: How did you avoid starvation altogether?
Diogenes: I stole food from temples.
Announcer: Isn’t that strange for a philosopher who teaches ethical
behavior?
Diogenes: Not at all. It is well known that the gods are friends of
the wise, and friends are a community who share their goods. Since
I am a wise man, I know that the gods want to share their goods
with me. It is just a matter of making the arrangements.
Announcer: Do you really believe in the gods?
Diogenes: How could I not? Just look at all of the god-forsaken
people around here. People go to the temples and pray for their
health. Afterwards, they go home and feast until they are sick.
This morning I saw a man being sprinkled with holy water to make
his soul pure. There is as much chance of improving his soul in
that way as improving his grammar. The gods provide every man with
the means to be happy, yet people devote their lives to making
themselves miserable.
Announcer: You don’t think much of religion. How do you feel about
your fellow philosophers?
Diogenes: For once, I am at a loss for words. Let’s take a walk and
I will show you where the wind goes when it retires.
Plato: What is man? I define man as a featherless biped.
Diogenes: (Throwing a plucked chicken over the wall) Here is your
man, Plato.
Plato: I define man as an animal: featherless and biped – with
broad fingernails. What is motion? Motion is an illusion. (Diogenes
skips around Plato in a circle). I see our friend Diogenes is here
to poke holes in everybody’s vanity but his own. Perhaps he would
like to share his vision with us.
Student 1: Diogenes, what is a wise man?
Diogenes: There is but a finger’s difference between a wise man and
a fool. If a man raises his first finger and speaks, people think
him wise. If he lifts his middle finger, they think him mad.
Student 2: You must be aware that people laugh at you.
Diogenes: But I am never laughed down. Jackasses laugh at people,
but the people do not care. If people laugh at me, I care the same.
Student 3: People criticized you for eating in the marketplace this
morning.
Diogenes: That’s where I was hungry. I base my life on that of a
dog. The dog knows no law but the law of nature.
Student 3: What kind of dog are you?
Diogenes: When hungry I am a Maltese. When full I am an elkhound.
Either way, I’m the kind of dog that people admire but don’t take
on hunting trips.
Plato: Diogenes, some say that gold is pale because it is perfect,
like the sun. What do you think?
Diogenes: No, gold is pale because there are so many thieves
plotting against it.
Student 1: Diogenes, do you have a book of writings, that I may
live by your rules?
Diogenes: Fool! If you were given a tray with real fruit and
artificial fruit, would you eat the painted wax? My philosophy is
how I live. See you around.
Announcer: I guess you don’t think much of philosophers. What do
you think about drama?
Diogenes: Peep shows for fools.
Announcer: I’ll bet you don’t think much of politicians.
Diogenes: They spout off a lot about justice, but never practice
it.
Announcer: Didn’t you have a brush with royalty?
Diogenes: If you could call it that. I was sunning myself by the
side of the road when Alexander the Great walked right up to me. He
said, “I am Alexander, king of all the world.” I replied, “I am
Diogenes, the Cynic.” He asked if there was anything he could do
for me. I told him he could get out of my light. “Are you not
afraid of me?” he asked. I asked him if he were a good man or evil.
“Good, of course,” he replied. “Then why should I be afraid of
you?” “Why indeed,” he replied. As he left he remarked “If I were
not Alexander, I should like to be Diogenes.”
Announcer: Do you believe in the institution of marriage?
Diogenes: I believe in no institutions. Marriage does not exist –
there are only men who persuade and women who consent.
Announcer: Is there anything you do believe in?
Diogenes: Yes. I believe in the human mind, and the capacity to
improve with hard work and determination. When I see physicians and
pilots, I think man to be the most intelligent animal there is.
When I see soothsayers, astrologers and their customers, I believe
that man is lower than the crab.
Announcer: How do you think people of the future will see you?
Diogenes: As a pioneering outdoorsman.
Announcer: What instructions will you leave for your funeral
arrangements?
Diogenes: I want to be buried face-down. The world will soon be
turned topsy-turvy and I don’t want to present my backside to the
gods.
Announcer: Who will take care of the arrangements?
Diogenes: Whoever wants the house.
Announcer: Well I see by the old sundial that it’s time to go. Any
last words of advice that you can leave us with?
Diogenes: Yes, ignore everything I say.