Category: Humor

This Day.

The Life Of A Man.​

Picked up my check, Leave work.
Stop at gas station.
Battery Dead.
Don’t have enough cash for a new battery.
Battery is $121.00.
I have $42.00 on one debit card.
$72.50 on my other debit card.
Hmmm,… …
Paycheck = $260.00
Get a Jumpstart.
I payed a gas station $20.00 to cash my check, because I had a whopping 114.00 available funds.
-(Step number, “Fuck!”) Take battery out.
Purchase new fucker.
Install new fucker.
As I am installing the thing that holds it down-
(You know the long bolt with a U on the end),
I think, “Maybe, I should put the key in and see if it works before I tighten this down.”
I had faith. Crank it!
Put key in ignition.
NOTHING.
Repeat step number, Fuck!
Bring Dead New Battery back in.
Get another one.
I suggested counter-testing it.
DEAD.
Third battery was a charm.
Being a man is fun.

The Life Of A Man.

Walmart: April 20, 2015

“Can you watch my cart while I go to the bathroom?”

I’m standing on line at Walmart, and some woman comes up behind me aggressively and stops short with her shopping cart, astonished to see me standing on line, stands there for an impatient minute, then walks away from her cart to look at something on a shelf. I look in her cart, and all she had in it were about 46 boxes of Zantac!!’ She comes back and flips open her phone and says shit in some chaotic language (I have no idea what it is,) then walks away again. She comes back and paces, then acts like she’s going to squeeze by me, but stops and asks me, “Can you watch my cart while I go to the bathroom?”
I looked down at the cart, then back at her and said, “No, I cannot. I’m sorry.”
Mucho Zantac

The Alphabet Song

🎶Now I know my
🎵🎵ABCDEF D’s
Next time will you drink with me?🎶

🤣🤣🤣I love how she is gesturing with her hands! 🤣🤣🤣

Watch the video below!

I love how she is gesturing with her hands! 🤣🤣🤣

🎶Now I know my “ABCDEFDARJKIMNOP…QR x ,sss…IMNOP’s”.
Next time won’t you sing with me? 🎶

With her hands, she’s saying, “This is how the song goes, how. You got it?!”

A B C D E🫴D🫴A R J K i 🫴MNOP…

Not Acting Like An Idiot

Wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it is not him acting like an idiot; because he’s not acting at all.

This man, wearing this jacket is just like an actor, wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it. What functions Robert Ee Niro carried out in his life to dignify him wearing that seal? It is comparable to someone wearing a fake badge or pretending to be something that they are not!

To which industry and in what realm has Robert De Niro dedicated his efforts and time to suggest that he has any direct affiliated with the Oval Office?

When he played mobster roles, we respected him and viewed him as a hard, strong-willed, level-minded tough, scary bad ass!

When we see him speak on television, today, we laugh at him and view him as a weak-willed, mentally imbalanced, frail, pitifully, adolescently humorous hack!

You could come to the conclusion that Robert De Niro appearing publicly wearing a jacket with the presidential seal on it would be foolish, and acting like an idiot,… But… 

No, This guy is not acting!

A Great Reset Will Happen…With Guest Eckhart Tolle

Russell Brand

Continue reading “A Great Reset Will Happen…With Guest Eckhart Tolle”

Steven Crowder Kicked Off from YouTube.

Big Tech is continuing to try and censor us, but the truth is they’re deathly afraid of us. We break down why they kicked us out. We also go into the Paul Pelosi story and it’s fishy. Also, Trevor Noah sucks & Kari Lake joins us for an EXCLUSIVE interview. #KariLake #PaulPelosi #BigTech

WHY YOUTUBE KICKED US OFF! &

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KARI LAKE! Louder with Crowder

Continue reading “Steven Crowder Kicked Off from YouTube.”

Louder With Crowder Corner

“It’s not racism.”

“… other people can judge you based on your qualifications and judge you based on your performance; that’s okay to do.”

Steven Crowder

“It’s a way to shutdown dialog based on identity before you get to ideas.”

Steven Crowder

Check Out Louder With Crowder’s Show Daily HERE.

Louder with Crowder: ELON MUSK VISITS TWITTER HQ & LIBS GO INTO FULL MELTDOWN

Published October 27, 2022  by:

Steven Crowder 

A Day With Diogenes

by: Terry Ballard

Announcer: Good afternoon, Diogenes. In keeping with your
reputation as a non-conformist, I see that you keep your bathtub
outside of your house.
Diogenes: The bathtub is my house.
Announcer: I see. Well there must be some advantage to that.
Diogenes: Certainly. No window can give a view like this, and if
the neighborhood goes bad, I can just walk off with the house.

Continue reading “A Day With Diogenes”

Turtles, Turtles, Turtles!

“William James, father of American psychology,

tells of meeting an old lady

who told him

the Earth rested on the back of a huge turtle.

“But, my dear lady,” Professor James asked, as politely as possible, “what holds up the turtle?”

“Ah,” she said, “that’s easy. He is standing on the back of another turtle.”

“Oh, I see,” said Professor James, still being polite. “But would you be so good as to tell me what holds up the second turtle?”

“It’s no use, Professor,” said the old lady, realizing he was trying to lead her into a logical trap. “It’s turtles-turtles-turtles, all the way!“


PROMETHEUS
RISING
–Robert Anton Wilson

Humor

“The first song I ever learned was Metallica’s, ‘Nothing Else Happens’.”

Some Random Dumb-dumb

all the chords are open.”

Some Random Dumb-dumb

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

People always ask me out for coffee. How come nobody ever asks me out for sex?

Girl: Do you know any good movies?
Boy: Snakes on a plane
Girl: Whats it about?
Boy: It’s about Horses.. on a boat.

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobody’s there.

I am having hallucinations, he thinks.

Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stops at the 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT !

Blowfessor

There was a professor who taught a course called Sexual Ethics, and the only way to pass the course was to blow him!

I was going to ask a girl if her nails were acrylic, but I misspoke and said, “Are those saline?”

Accidentally texting, “I want to kiss your pussy.” to your boss is pretty hard to recover from.

She said, “You’ll hate me tomorrow.”

I said, “I already do.”

I have to smuggle my dick back into my pants using your vagina.

“the lesbian community…”. They have a whole community?!!! Where?

She asked me if I wanted to go shoe shopping with her All day. I said, “I’d rather chase my dick around the room until my legs got tired.”

God: She is Black.

You cannot hurt me.
I wasn’t sewn
From delicate cloth.
But you could
Jerk me,
You know…
Completely off…

“If Today’s Date were trying to figure out the Fibonacci Sequence, than it fucked up!”

-me 11/2/19

George Carlin on Baseball and Football

this

Side affects include trouble passing urine? I got no trouble passing urine. When I see it, I keep on walking by.

“Where in Russia are you from?”
“How do you know I’m from Russia?”
“Is it customary in your country to answer a question with a question?”

Baseball players should never look serious. They should be constantly pointing and laughing at everybody.

Looking at her face, I thought, “Some people got too much junk going on.”

If my peace beads were strung with steel wire, they would be better to strangle someone with.

Takin’ a shit and takin’ a nap are good things. If you do them both at the same time, it’s only good if you’re in the right place.

I never knew what a courtesy flush was before I met you.

Interview With A Sniper

“Bad-Man Butch”

Matt Hufford was the most FEARED name by All the residents of Louisiana!

He left their Kneecaps shivering!

Listen Here:

“… I punched that bitch in the face and fucked her up the ass three times!…”

Press Play:

COPYRIGHT 2001by: Lonesome
Glory Publications
Date Recorded: circa. 1991 at:
Publication Date: 10/9/2022
33 Arch Street in High Bridge, NJ 08829 by Lonesome Glory Publications [PHONE] (908) 638-8117

Bong Sock Invented

“…Richie reached behind his bedpost to pull his bong out and noticed that a sock had been stuffed in the mouthpiece! …”

Today, the Bong Sock was invented

by Anita Fritzinger on 1 Center Street in High Bridge, New Jersey. (Coordinates: 40.66943° N, 74.89492° W).

The invention was a convenient byproduct of Anita’s dismay over the over-powering aroma of Bong Water in her son, Richie’s bedroom. Richie and his friend, me, walked into the room and noticed how fresh it smelled in his bedroom that day. His mom had always did his laundry and cleaned his room, but this day he as fresher, … different! Richie reached behind his bedpost to pull his bong out and noticed that a sock had been stuffed in the mouthpiece!

The Bong Sock hath been invented!

Thirty-one years later, Chip shall recall:

I’ll never forget the day we walked into Little Richie’s room the first time his mom put a sock in his bong.
It smelled so fresh in his room that day!

His mom invented the Bong Sock!

HBMS

CIRCA 1995 A.D. C.E.